I could have written a lengthy introductory preamble discussing the many pitfalls inherent in assuming a pseudonymous persona for the purposes of rapping, but I thought it would be much easier to simply post up some pictures and then point and laugh at them. Besides, I think that the dos and don’ts of this particular artform are apparent to most people on a purely commonsense level. DO give yourself a name like Ghostface Killah. DON’T give yourself a name like Messy Marv. Simple.

I’m going to do this in the form of a hugely exciting countdown from 5-1…

5:

Nice that he saw fit to inform us that he is in fact a rapper before telling us his name, isn’t it? Just in case we had mistook him for a classical harpist or a longshoreman, I mean.

I’ve no idea why the woman is about to lick the apple either.

4:

Or, “how not to present yourself as thoroughly heterosexual man’s man from the ‘hood.” These fellows look like they’re all set for an evening of cruising, wouldn’t you say? Not a woman in sight. Spelling “boyz” with a “z” really butches it up too.

3:

Tellingly, I couldn’t find an actual CD cover for this young man but I can tell you that he revels in the unforgettable name of Lil’ Browneye. I am not making this up. A quick google search suggests that he has now changed his name to Lil’ B, but he’ll always be Browneye to me. Lil’ Browneye – massive arsehole.

2:

Words fail me.

Here’s a tip for all aspiring rappers out there. Before you make a final decision about the name that you are going to assume for the rest of your musical career, take five minutes to peruse urbandictionary.com and make sure that it is not a slang term for a paedophile in another English-speaking country.

1:

This could be both the best and the worst rap name ever. I mean, it is clearly a pretty ridiculous name to saddle yourself with even by the standards of hip hop, but unlike the others it is not without self-awareness. If you are small and possess all the properties of a skidmark, why not just run with it?

So to speak.

Honourable mentions to:

Peedi Crakk.

See “The Nonce”.

And…

Yak Ballz.

Good rapper. Terrible name.

I thought I would do a post about the best single to come out in 2009 – Jay-Z’s Empire State of Mind. It goes without saying that I’ve been a fan of Jay-Z since before rap was invented, but what many of you may not know is that I was also a big fan of all the bands he sampled years before he sampled them. That’s just how amazing I am.

And Jay-Z is pretty amazing too. I mean, you have to admire the guy. Not only is he one of the top 10 greatest rappers of all time (I’ll post a list someday), but he also managed to pull Beyoncé, despite looking not unlike Miguel Cotto after his 12 round shellacking at the hands of Manny Pacquiao:

Good work, Jigga.

Anyway, in my quest to be fully comprehensive in my dissection and analysis of HOV’s epic peaen to The Big Apple, I decided to track down and post every previous and subsequent rendering of the song’s constituent parts. Dedication or what? First up is the original song, from which the banging sample cometh:

The Moments – Love on a Two-Way Street

Smooth.

Next up is the group who first sampled the track for the purposes of rappity raps, Asamov, who I believe are now known as The ABs (not to be confused with The DBs or the Bee Gees):

Asamov – Supa Dynamite (feat. Mr. Lif)

Must be a trifle galling to see someone else score a mega hit with an idea you came up with a good year and a half beforehand, what?

Speaking of which, here is the song itself:

Jay-Z – Empire State Of Mind (feat. Alicia Keys)

I’ve yet to speak to anyone who identified that it was Alicia Keys singing the hook in this song without reading the credits first. Studio magic, baby.

And finally, the somewhat-pointless-but-still-enjoyable reprise that appears on Alicia Keys’ own album. It was probably in the contract:

Alicia Keys – Empire State Of Mind Pt. 2 (Broken Down)

I was also going to post Nas’ NY State Of Mind but I couldn’t be arsed.

For what it’s worth, I love New York. It may not look like it does in Taxi Driver or The Warriors anymore, but it’s still a shit hot place to visit. WISH I WAS THERE RIGHT NOW.

Futureheads – Futureheads – 2004 (679 Recordings)

I remember hearing this and thinking, “what the HELL was that?!”
I have never looked back since, to be honest. The Hounds of Love cover is intricate and beautiful. It simoultaneously makes me want to shout out loud and lie flat on my face.

The Strokes – Is This It? – 2001, RCA Records

Dead good. Pleased me in 2001, pleases me now. What more is there to say? I know you’ve all heard it.

Ryan Adams and the Cardinals – Cold Roses

I don’t know if this is a contentious choice or not, because I don’t tend to consort with other RA fans. I definitely prefer the Cardinals stuff over the JUST RYAN stuff. I dunno why. Apart from Rock n Roll. I know THAT’S a contentious choice. That was going to go in here, but I just prefer this one. Cold Roses (the actual song) live is spine-tingling, as is this whole record.

Saves The Day – Stay What You Are – 2001, Vagrant Records

Okay, I am a total emo, and this album panders to my emo (non)sensibilities. You should hear me sing along to it, I am a total pro.
Props to Through Being Cool – that would have made the cut, but it was released in NINETY NINE, which, in the research for this piece, I realised was the greatest year ever.

Brand New – Your Favorite Weapon – 2001, Triple Crown / Iodine Recordings

This album makes me swoon from beginning to end. That is genuinely all you need to know about this.

Taking Back Sunday – Tell All Your Friends – 2002, Victory Records

This album really satisfies my brain. That’s about all I have to say about it. It’s perfect. Listen to it after you listen to that Brand New one. OOOOH!!

Idlewild – 100 Broken Windows – 2000, Food Records

Remember when Idlewild were good?

New Found Glory – New Found Glory – 2000, Drive-Thru / MCA Records

Put this on earlier, nearly wept. So, so good.
“The needle on my record player has been wearing thin / this record has been playing since the day you’ve been with him“

Les Savy Fav – Let’s Stay Friends – 2007, Frenchkiss Records

Inches is cool, but holy CRAP this is unreal. Getting a bit lazy with my justifications now, but I am tired. And have you noticed how Les Savy Fav’s initials are ‘LSF’ and the initials of this album are also ‘LSF’? You got it.

Pete Yorn – musicforthemorningafter – 2001, Columia Records

I always think that, maybe, not many people would have heard of Pete Yorn. Apparently not the case. Apparently he is PRETTY POPULAR. Still, never meet many people who are familiar with the wonders of this album. Soothing, upbeat, sad, happy, catchy, weird. DEAD GOOD.

I could totally do this about 4 more times with 4 more different sets of top ten albums of the decade.

I often find myself vexed at the sheer, transparent wrongness of the blogosphere when it comes to certain significant issues. Chief among these is the issue of “which song/band should we subject to an unseemly critical bukkakeing this week?” This is because it is almost never a band that is deserving of the level of fevered, pant-moistening hyperbole that it generates. In fact, it is invariably just one more pitiful shower in a long line of execrable haircut scenesters with ineffably stupid names, all of whom peddle predictably joyless, boilerplate shite. Sad, but true.

With that in mind, here are some songs by bands that are joyful and, generally speaking, don’t have stupid haircuts:

Bombadil – Honeymoon

Rather than bore you with my own effusive spiel on the charms of Bombadil, I have instead selected a tantalising factual morsel from their wikipedia page with which to whet your appetite:

“Bombadil dresses for shows in a style characteristic of elderly Bolivian men, employing fedora hats, suspenders, and old, faded pants and shirts.”

They are pictured above in their civvies.

Pomegranates – Southern Ocean

Pomegranates’ wikipedia page unfortunately contains no choice quotes for me to pillage, so instead I shall just say that this is the best song I know of that features swimming as a major theme. Awesome.

Music Go Music – Explorers Of The Heart

I always think that it’s exceptionally lazy journalism to describe bands as “such-and-such-meets-so-and-so”. But then I’m exceptionally lazy, and this sounds like ABBA meets De Novo Dahl. That comparison will make perfect sense when you listen to it, provided you have the first clue who De Novo Dahl are. If not, what the hell is wrong with you?

Fun. – Walking The Dog

Fun. (or more properly, fun.) have had quite a bit of coverage on the blogs to be fair, but not enough to satiate my abiding sense of injustice. Nate from The Format (RIP) is one of the main members of fun., and if that isn’t enough to sell you on them then I don’t what is. If you don’t like The Format then there’s a good chance that you’re already beyond help anyway.

The Rumble Strips – Not The Only Person

This song features string arrangements by Owen Pallett. I don’t think that there’s much else that you need to know, really.

Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin – Cardinal Rules

Unfathomably, I’ve only ever seen this song blogged about once, despite it being quite stupidly brilliant. Srsly WTF? SSLYBY FTW!

You should download and listen to all of these songs because they’re great. Then you should go and buy the albums because motherfuckers need to eat. OK?

Luckily I have heard some blazing songs recently that have roused me from this unfortunate seasonal torpor, and will no doubt have the same effect on all others who listen to them, on account of their undeniable bangingness. The first is by this dude right heah:

Timbo.

I was going to post a picture of him looking all musclebound and greased up like an extra from Road House, but Halloween is behind us now and there’s no real reason to scare the kids any more than is necessary. The song in question is scary enough:

Timbaland – Morning After Dark (feat. SoShy)

It’s from Tim’s new long player, Shock Value 2, which appears to have some very good rappers/R&B singers on it and a lot of truly cock-awful rock bands. I mean, honestly, how can someone who is basically a musical genius see any value whatsoever in such steaming arsewater as OneRepublic and Nickelback? Answers on a postcard…

Anyway, this track is amazing and has probably just edged out Paparazzi by Lady GaGa as my favourite pop song of the year. It sounds a bit like The Knife would if they decided to make an out-and-out pop record. “Highly rec’d”, as the unfortunate saying goes.

The second song is by this lady:

Ellie Goulding – Under The Sheets

The blogs have been fire-hozing jizz over this one for the past few weeks, and while it isn’t as good as Timbo’s effort, it is certainly one of the better British pop songs of the last 12 months. She doesn’t have an album coming out, there are no pictures of her greased up, and she isn’t on Twitter, so she is effectively dead to me, but you should download and enjoy this song anyway. It’s better than 10 of the 11 songs on Cheryl Cole’s album, and probably cost about 1/50th of what they did to produce.

DOWNLOAD (thanks to mbvmusic.com)

I really enjoyed it. All strings and Spanish-y guitar. And when he sings ‘measure’, it sort of sounds like Paul from Maximo Park singing ‘PRESSURE!’ in Apply Some Pressure.

Bisous

EQ

In order that you don’t become infected, it’s important that you take immediate preventative action by following us on Twitter, the link for which we have been kind enough to provide you with towards the top right of this page.

We promise to be much more entertaining than the majority of celebs on that site who, despite enjoying a lifestyle of jet-setting decadence and social diversity that most of us could only dream of, consistently stink the place up with so much soporofic inanity and verbal pabulum.

Below are three songs on a related theme, and another that I have posted for the sole purpose of torturing your brain with its horribly addicive refrain. You shouldn’t have a very hard time figuring out which is which.

Andy Milonakis – Let Me Twitter Dat (Rusko Remix) (Twitter)
Tweet – Call Me (TOKiMONSTA Remix) (Buy)
Das Racist – Combination Pizza Hut And Taco Bell (Wallpaper. Remix) (Twitter)
Cake – Comfort Eagle (Buy)

Last week was a pretty stupendous week for LIVE MUSIC in my world. Went to THREE gigs, didn’t I? Could have gone to more, but I thought that was enough.

Monday (5th) was Algernon Cadwallader at Kro Bar in Manchester. This was a pretty AWESOME show, but I felt a bit ill throughout. I think it was because it was so loud. It really was disgustingly loud. I have sensitive ears. The room was tiny and the sound just kept bouncing around because it was so full. This is a video I took when they were playing:

Support bands were PLENTIFUL. Crash of Rhinos and Teenage Cool Kids were both amazing (if anyone has any Crash of Rhinos MP3s they want to send my way, please do to: recognitionsceneblog[at]googlemailDOTcom). Missed the first band, and there was some other band with a girl singer who were… not so entertaining. Obviously I clapped them loads, but I think they were the ones who made me ill, because I couldn’t even stand up for Teenage Cool Kids. A great shame.

On Friday (9th) I went to see Wild Beasts. Didn’t bother going to see the support band (Blue Roses?) because I was really hungry, and didn’t think I would be missing out on anything. Had mixed reviews.
Wild Beasts came on LATE, but they were really good. Got a text message from someone at the front of the room (I knew them, it wasn’t a wild stab in the dark on their part, that would have been pretty good) saying ‘lead singer needs a spell in the army’. His voice is reals high pitched. They did Devils Crayon, which I was well happy about. Got a bit annoying when everyone was walking out going ‘WATCH ME, WATCH ME!’ in high pitched voices. After that I had to go to someones leaving do at a bar down the road. Was a pretty good night, apart from having to walk most of the way home in the freezing cold.

Sunday (11th) was GIRLS at the Night & Day in Manchester. Remembered my ear plugs for this one. Support was from Swanton Bombs who were RIGHT GOOD. Very loud for a two-piece. Didn’t play any of my favourites, ;’[, were still enjoyable. Also ‘Egyptian Hip Hop’ who I missed. Soz.
Girls were boss. Christopher Owens was a bit of a mess, but he held it together despite starting songs then going ‘oh, we’ve already played that one’ and ‘this is a new song… oh, no it’s not, it’s the first song I ever wrote.’
YEAH! GIRLS! Wish I hadn’t ordered the album off teh internet, cos they had it with a t shirt for £20 with a FREE POSTER. And I love free posters.

So that was it, my week in gigs. This week is Johnny Foreigner at Deaf Institute (MCR) (dunno whether to go to that or not) TONIGHT, Hang The Bastard at Star and Garter (MCR) TOMORROW and some other good stuff next week (including FRIGHTENED RABBIT AND NO AGE. NO AGE!!!! Both at the Deaf Institute) and also Swn Festival. Bloody exciting that, isn’t it?

For the time being I am sat in work in the dark (electricians are in, messing around), listening to the new Tubelord album and evading an assignment I have to do for my masters degree.

I hope you have enjoyed this post. Here’s some tracks by the artists mentioned. Don’t forget to buy their music if you really like it, then they can make more and more.

Algernon Cadwallader – Some Kind of Cadwallader (download).
Teenage Cool Kids – Foreign Lands (download).(buy).
Wild Beasts – Devil’s Crayon (download).(buy).
Girls – Lust For Life (download).(buy)
Swanton Bombs – Shock (download).(buy).

-Ellie

“Muy buena rola de los 90′s de el rapero SNOW. Scorchio!” – as the “more info” section on YouTube would have it.

I added the “scorchio”.

Oh, and for those of you who have been struggling all these years to decipher the lyrics (so that you might attempt a nifty cover version on SingSnap, or wow that special lady/gent at a party with an impromptu a capella), please allow me to assist:

Infooooormer
You know say daddy me Snow me I go blam
A licky boom-boom down
Detective man he say, say daddy me Snow me stab someone down the lane
A licky boom-boom down

What a bumbaclaat.

Nobutseriouslythough, I do find it nigh on impossible to single out one song as an all-time favourite, and I think it would be a bit disingenuous of me to pretend otherwise. It all depends on who I’m trying to impress at any given moment.

With that being the case, I will try and impress you all with a song that I have loved pretty much non-stop since the very first time I heard it. You might want to crank the volume up for this one…

If you can still function after being hit with so much amazing, you might want to mosey on over to Amazon/iTunes and bag yourself a copy of GBV’s Isolation Drills. Because let’s face it, someone has to pay for Bob Pollard’s Ralgex prescriptions.